Unsolicited Giving
In the Women Revealed community we have a few commitments or best practices that we value. For me one holds a special place. It holds the highest value because it has been a lesson I have needed to learn, fail and learn again.
“Unsolicited advice is received as criticism”.
For some people it requires no work to understand or adopt the principle. For others the concept requires perpetual awareness to avoid violations. These violations aren’t just about advice either – they are about unsolicited tangible assistance or help too. I thought I had a good handle on this, but recently I became aware of dynamics or situations where I had to check-in with myself on this topic. Reality is that I, and perhaps you too, have not thought about it enough yet.
Before I proceed, let it be said that the irony of this blog is not lost on me. I am offering wisdom on the lessons of what I have learned about unsolicited giving. Some would say this is the very definition of unsolicited advice. If you think so, please laugh and choose to stop reading. If you continue reading, it is because you chose to, not because I imposed anything upon you!
This is what I have learned about unsolicited advice and help:
Lesson 1: Emotional involvement is not always a good thing
Sometimes people believe that they are better friends to others when they get emotionally immersed in their lives. I’ve found this leads directly to the conveyance of unsolicited advice and help. Emotional over-involvement in my childhood setting also led me to believe in my own magic powers - that I can see what someone needs better than they do. In grown-up world, this is never true. You only have one perspective – your own. Check lesson 3.
It is a struggle to love people well when we become over-involved with them, and it’s especially hard when the subject of our attention is a family member or dearly loved friend. And yet, how have I learned the lessons of life best? Always when I experienced the logical consequences of my own decisions. So I should live and let live and save myself some of the heartache that comes with over-involvement.
How can we do that? Some of the most helpful wisdom I have received comes from Debbie Holcomb one of our founders. She talks about the power of “Snip Snip” (accompanied with hand gesture like scissors). This means that we can cut our attachment to the outcome of our efforts, because our effort is not measured by the outcome – but rather, by the motive of our effort…which I believe is love. To know that my motives are right, read on…
Lesson 2: Check the motivation
We live in a quid-pro-quo world – You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. It’s a necessary part of learning how to live together – we absolutely need community to survive and thrive. That means our giving often has an expectation of return. In other words, what I want to believe is magnanimous giving is not actually selfless. So I must ask myself: Am I expecting something in return for my advice or assistance? Personal recognition? Being loved/wanted/needed? Acknowledgement of knowledge or experience or performance? To feel better about my own life in comparison to yours? Ouch! When I feel angry and resentful when my giving is rejected, it is an immediate red flag for me to check my initial motivation for giving in the first place. It was not borne of unconditional love. One of the most humiliating truths I have had to acknowledge is “Selfish giving IS a thing”.
Lesson 3: There is always more than one perspective
Like a cube has 6 sides there is always more than one (my) perspective. There are at least 5 other perspectives, many of which I will struggle to see. When I truly believe I am offering advice or help as a gift, it may be perceived by others to be unsolicited interference. The other person may not see their world in the way that I do. This is not a question of who is right and who is wrong. Where I might see danger in their plan, they see a killjoy who cannot embrace fun. Where I rush to a conclusion about a circumstance, they see a busy-body who has failed to gather all the facts. Where I think I am rescuing someone from certain pain, they see nosy meddling.
Lesson 4: Use questions
If you have wisdom that you cannot resist giving, at least form it as a question. Ideally make it an offer first, requesting permission to ask. Alternatively frame it as a “have you thought about…” question. And if they ask for more, you have an invitation to continue. And if they say no, or provide an answer that does not include another question, let it go – they are not looking for anything else from you.
In my household we have adopted consideration of three questions to ask ourselves before we speak.
1. Is it my business?
2. Is it about me?
3. Was my opinion asked?
If the answer to any one of these questions is “no”, you may want to move on with your day, breathe, surrender and let it be. And life my dear friends, will very likely be better for everyone.
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