How we feel and what we wear
It’s the dog days of winter here in the Midwest, so I’m going for “fun February” – something to think about, maybe inspire you, hoping that spring is not far away with its lighter jackets and no more angst of finding one glove in the pocket while the other is nowhere to be found!
Once upon a time I kept myself occupied raising small children and working a small business where I taught the language and psychology of what we wear to individuals and groups. This was important to me because I was determined not to spend the rest of my life in pajamas, a pony tail, baseball hat, sweats, or some combination thereof. It’s not that some people don’t look good in these things. They do. But I don’t, didn’t, and never will - I will always look like I just washed the kitchen floor.
Ask yourself this question:
“If every item I am wearing is a word, what am I saying about myself today?” This is not about dressing posh, rich, modestly or otherwise. It’s about honoring who you are on the inside with the way you present on the outside.
Last week I went to a funeral for an extended family member on my husband’s side. I was feeling respectful of someone now gone, a bit sad about the realities of life, and maybe a bit anxious about reconnecting with some folks I have not seen for years. I put on a pair of smart navy work pants, knit turtle neck and a jacket. This reflected my mood.
Regarding the jacket. First thing I wanted to put on was the fuchsia pink one – bright, in your face dark pink. On one hand I didn’t want to feel judged for that by fellow funeral goers. On the other, I wasn’t feeling acquiescent to societal or familial pressure to wear black either. So I went with purple instead. With cowboy boots - just in case I needed to use the pointy toes of them. Clearly I was also feeling sassy. “A bit feisty” is who I am too, and I don’t mind if people sense it or see it in what I wear.
My husband’s first thought was to go to this event in jeans. He has very ambivalent feelings about his immediate family which is why we rarely see them. His feelings about that were directly reflected in his “my presence is enough, screw the pants, give me my jeans” attitude. When I reminded him that everyone at the funeral would have their own judgements about showing up in jeans, he thought twice. First, he’s not mad at the entire family – just a small portion of them. Second he doesn’t want them looking at him, making judgements about who he is because of his jeans! He knows that what he wears communicates a message that other people will receive even if he is unaware that he is sending it. This doesn’t mean that what he was feeling is wrong – It’s only to say that “screw you all” wasn’t a message he actually wanted to send. He needed to make his message a conscious choice rather than an unconscious one.
What we wear is like communications radar, sending and receiving messages to ourselves and others about ourselves and others - whether we intend to or not. Unless you are a permanent member of a nudist colony, this is true!
Next time you look in the mirror in the morning, what is it you feel, say or judge about yourself? It is never neutral. You can claim to “not give a flying monkeys”, but I suspect otherwise. Most women stare into the mirror and see what they don’t like first. Worse, there is research that shows the following: If you give a woman three photos of herself - one real, one photoshopped to look less flattering than the reality, and one photoshopped to more flattering, she will almost always pick the less flattering one as “true”. And then she dresses for it. So if you look in the mirror and think “oh my goodness I have huge thighs”, I can almost guarantee you are going to pull out the largest sweater you own and wear it because it covers up the negative that you perceive – whether it is really there or not. And if one morning you think “meh…alright… whatever…another day…” you’ll go pick out something very “meh” and average too. (Tip: that’s your victim clothing – when you wear something because you are not “worth” anything better today.) And if you look in the mirror and feel great about yourself you are much more inclined to pick out some clothing that you love because it validates how you feel. You feel great, you are going to conquer your world and you affirm it with what you wear.
Here's the good news. It is also possible to influence the way we feel about ourselves with some very conscious choices about what to wear. If I wake up in the morning and I am unexcited or anxious because I know it will be a tough day, I deliberately pick out something I know will instill confidence every time I go to the loo and inevitably see myself in the mirror. On a typical day this might be jeans and a great top or a sleeveless dress. However if I know the “tough” bit about my day is a conversation I’m not looking forward to at work, I will also make sure I have my body armor available too – for me that is a jacket. There are a few things that communicate “don’t mess with me” – and we all need to find the “right thing” for ourselves personally. It’s not the same for everyone. For you it might be a particular scarf or necklace or even some bright red lipstick. There’s psychology to that too, which I will write about next month.
The point I want to leave you with is that you are worth dressing for. In fact when we are feeling down about life for whatever reason, one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is to dress up. It doesn’t matter whether you are at home with kids, at the gym, in the office, grocery store or doing yard work – when you like what you see in the mirror, you do whatever “it” is, better.
Next month I will write Part 2 with some practical tips. In the meantime, ponder this. What are you allowing your clothes to say about you today? How are they contributing to how you feel? And if you don’t like what they say, try wearing something else – does it change anything for you?
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